I want to tell the story of how and why I was diagnosed autistic as an adult. When I was an infant, I was extremely quiet and didn't make sounds like other infants. I didn't really coo or cry or try to speak. I was non-verbal until I was 3 years old. When I could sit up, I also began to stim. A stim is when an autistic uses a physical action to stimulate them or get take them further into their fantasy world away from their surroundings. It is a way to get away and cope with what is happening around you. I had a very common stim, I rocked back and forth. While my parents noticed this, once I began speaking, after working with a speech therapist, it was all forgotten. I did stop rocking during the day, but I continued rocking back and forth in my bed while listening to my portable cd player (I'm 28 ok?). This would throw me into my fantasy world. I stimmed like this until I was 18, almost 19 and went off to college. This sort of stimming was very uncomfortable and difficult in a wooden loft.
Growing up, I never really had many friends. I had two as a child who I would actually interact with outside of school. But, as I got older, my friends stayed in school and the numbers dwindled. I was always the strange girl. Even in elementary school I would play alone on the playground. Boys never chased me like the other girls, in fact, they were afraid of me. I wasn't afraid to defend myself or someone else.
In middle school, I went through my first autistic burnout, but was diagnosed with depression instead of the doctor seeing the true cause of the burnout. I could relate better to teachers than my own peers. In high school much remained the same. I was the strange girl who was even too strange for fine arts (yes, apparently this can occur). I didn't hang out with people out of school, I didn't have a boyfriend, etc. My mom would often ask why I didn't call someone to go hang out with. My answer was always the same, "When I'm out of school, it's me time." I knew I could only handle a certain amount of social interaction in 1 day. I knew I was different. At this time, my fantasy world was beginning to grow larger.
My freshman year of college I tried to fit it. It was a new start for me. Very few of my classmates who I had known since elementary school were there and it is a 30,000 student school. It would be rare if I ever did see them. I joined a sorority, but began suffering from my worse autistic burnout to date. I shut down. I locked myself in my bedroom at home during the summer and played Ultima Online 16 hours a day. This continued that fall during the beginning of my sophomore year. I was kicked out of my sorority and my grades suffered. I was taken to a psychiatrist who had supposedly helped the son of a family friend. Never trust those kinds of suggestions. Dr. White heard about my fantasy world, my dissociations and my burnout. The man diagnosed me ADD and depressed at 19. I was put on antidepressants and that was that. I refused to go see him again.
The psychiatrist did prescribe one thing and that was a dog. That summer I got Mac, who is currently my service dog. Mac has changed my life and is my best friend and constant companion. I would not be here without him. He saved me.
I stopped the antidepressants and went back onto Paxil. I switched my major to theatre arts and realized that I was also too weird and distant for the major. I felt like an outsider. I also had 3 meltdowns publicly during classes. I couldn't control the emotions and the anger. I didn't know how to cope.
I graduated with my bachelors in theatre arts in 2009 and ran my own hand dyeing yarn business with my mom. This sadly had to be shut down in 2012 due to burnout and the economy.
I moved back home and started a vet tech program. I didn't fit in there either. No matter how nice I was to people, I was an outcast. I knew I had to find someone who would actually listen to me. I was tired of knowing I am different, but not knowing why. I wanted an explanation. Finally, in 2013 I found that person. I began seeing a psychologist. He actually listened and understood what I was talking about. I was finally diagnosed in September, 2013 as what is now formerly known as Aspergers. I am on the Autistic Spectrum. I finally understand my behavior, actions, fantasy world and burnouts. I finally know why I am who I am and I am very proud of being an autistic. This has always been a huge part of my life, but no one was willing to tell me why I was the way I was.
I am who I am. I am autistic and I am proud.
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